When we lose someone, it feels like a part of us goes with them. Whether it’s a parent, teammate, or friend, we are left with unfillable gaps in our lives. The painful feelings can consume us until we are stuck and unable to do anything. 

But no one can sit still forever. Eventually, we have to find a way to move forward while still making space for our grief. So, how do we learn to do that?

To answer that, we turned to VIS Mentor and Connecticut Sun guard Saniya Rivers for advice. 

When she was picked eighth overall in the 2024 WNBA draft, everything was amazing. Years of long practices and brutal workouts paid off, as she achieved her goal of playing professionally.

Then tragedy struck. Just 16 days after being drafted, Saniya’s mom Demetria “Dee Dee” Rivers died at 47 years old from congestive heart failure. At what was supposed to be one of the happiest times in her life, Rivers’ No. 1 fan was gone. 

Even now, Rivers hasn’t fully recovered from the loss of her mom, but she’s learned to accept that she’s not alone either. As the hurt slowly dims, Rivers takes comfort in her community to help her heal. 

Accept the Pain, Don’t Ignore It

Grief comes with pain that follows us around everywhere we go—into new relationships, new teams, and new locations. When it doesn’t go away, we often try to run from it. Rivers was no different.

After her mom’s passing, she became obsessed with keeping herself busy. From going out with friends to getting another tattoo, it didn't matter what the activity was, as long as it kept her attention long enough to cover up the hurt. 

But now she sees those moments for what they were: distractions. They weren’t helping her handle her grief. Instead, they were just pushing it away so she could never reconcile with her pain.

“You can’t run from grief. You can’t prevent it. But you can find ways to balance it, ways to juggle,” Rivers said.

To solve this, Rivers found the best way to handle her grief was by doing exactly the opposite. When she felt herself try to run away, she listened to the voice inside that told her the pain was too important to ignore.

“Feel this, so it’s not going to feel as strong the rest of your life,” Rivers said.

Rivers reminds us that even though healing takes time, running is not the answer. Eventually, the pain we feel will catch up to us. So to move on, we need to sit in our pain and accept it as a part of us instead of seeing it as the enemy. 

“You can’t run from grief. You can’t prevent it. But you can find ways to balance it, ways to juggle.”

VIS Mentor Saniya Rivers

Turn To People Around You

Rivers didn’t have a lot of time to sit around and grieve after her mom’s death. She had a career to build. Just 20 days after her mom’s passing, Rivers made her WNBA debut, scoring 11 points off the bench. For Rivers, getting back on the court wasn’t easy, and it took a village to make it happen. 

Before she died, Dee Dee toured the Connecticut Sun facilities and met the coaches. Rivers saw this as the moment her mom knew she’d be okay without her. 

“My mom was able to rest because she knew I was in good hands,” Rivers said. 

And she was. In the aftermath, her new team gave her grace and time to heal. 

“They were texting me if I needed food, if I needed a hug, whatever, they were there … And once it was time to ease back on the court, they assured me to give myself grace, and they were going to give me grace as well,” Rivers said.

In her most vulnerable times, her friends and teammates stepped in as her rocks, especially former Connecticut Sun guard Marina Mabrey.

“[Marina], she’s been a big help,” Rivers said. “People see us on live cutting up, laughing and the TikToking and all that, but like nobody sees her wiping my tears when I’m crying like just at the most random times … She’s just been there for me through thick and thin.”

Over time, Rivers found that grief doesn’t have to be solo. Teammates can be there to help you get better on the court, but also as a shoulder to cry on when everything feels overwhelming. Letting others be there for you can make the healing process feel a little less lonely.

Letters of Love

Starting when Rivers was very young, Demetria wrote letters to her daughter, expressing her pride and love of Rivers’ grit. 

Now nearly two years after her mom’s passing, she has returned to that gesture of love. Before games, Rivers writes letters to her mom in a journal.

“When I would feel nervous, when I would feel excited, when I was scared, I would just get a jot in telling her, ‘Hey I’m going out to play against one of your favorite players tonight,’” Rivers said.

Just like Rivers, we can journal our thoughts. It could be a letter about how much you miss them or a note expressing your pain. It doesn’t need to be a lot. It just needs to help you express all of your grief in order to leave room for healing.

Grief doesn’t have a set timeline, and there isn’t one right way to move through it. For Rivers, healing has meant allowing herself to feel the pain, leaning on the people around her, and finding ways to keep her mom close. While grief may always be a part of her story, it doesn’t have to stop her from continuing to live it.